1st year.. Doing, Choosing, Sacrificing, Confusing, Disappointing
2nd year.. Giving, Teaching, Choosing, Sacrificing, Guiding, Despair, Disappointing, Helpless
3rd year.. Letting Go, Healing, Cherishing, Wondering.
Graduation.. Moving On.

What matters in the ultimate end, is the fruitful experience, happy memories and the people that would still remain by your side.

We can't stop the clock from ticking, because time waits for no man.
Time flies.
Never regretted any actions, be it correct or wrong to the public's eye.
For with every action that one takes, there is always a reason.

whatever that belongs to you, comes back to you in d long run. whatever that does not, just treat it as a beautiful memory. =)

Smile cause there are many things we can smile at;
Be Happy cause that's what keeps our day going easier;
Forgive cause grudges drain our energy;
Don't forget cause history moulds our future;
Open your heart cause this makes it easier for people to enter your life;
Be optimistic cause things happen for a reason;
Accept the reality cause it makes life easier for us to cope;
Believe in fate cause some things are fated to be in that way for a reason;
Treasure and Love cause it is something close to our heart;
Hope cause in life we need some things to motivate us;
Reminisce cause great memories are like happy pills to blue days;
Value cause most things are impermanent;
Be strong cause there are many challenges up ahead for us to conquer;
Know your wants cause this will prevent us from falling into illusions which can be a trap;
Be true to yourself cause it's easier to be ourselves this way;
Learn to let go cause that's how we move forward;
No regrets to the decision made now cause life is simply too short to live in remorse and lastly
Accept the changes occurring cause "change" is something that doesn't change in life.

Sometimes, you feel ready to do something, to move on, to live. Sometimes you still lose the courage to face your life and everything. I'm confused, by the things around me, and by myself. Everything seems so pointless.
Nobody would ever understand.
I totally got no idea how my mood can change so abruptly from time to time.

I just need a break sometimes..
from everyday's life
to fuck care about everything else that is to be care about.
and just emo it out.
I just need some courage.
Some courage to go on.

time really do flies. it has been the 3rd week of the last semester of poly for me.
everyday when i make my way to dover mrt, i would take a mental note to myself, that it is a reduction of a day from the remaining days i had in poly.
felt kinda sad actually, having to leave poly, or rather cadc soon.
but at the same time, kinda look forward to life after poly, which the next phrase is ns.
a new life, new begining then. it feels just like leaving secondary school for poly back then.
half of me wanted to remain at my spot, yet on the other hand wanted to move on too.
who knows how many friends i made in poly i could keep close contact with when all of us grad.
well, perhaps too much twist n turns happened for me in my life in poly already.
lookin way back, from freshmens to year 3, there were many ups n downs moments.
made many sacrifices, fu chu so much for certain stuffs, crossed many problems n hurdles.
but it was kinda disappointing on how everything ended up now.
so disappointing that even if i were to look at my batch's contact list right now, there weren't anybody that i thought i could had heart to heart talk, people that i really trust n hav a sense of belonging to.
when by right, i should have alot of them.
i kept telling myself to move on, move on and move on. but yet no matter how much i changed thruout the months, i still couldn't do it, deep down.
looking at secondary school frens, some of them still meet up regularly for stuffs etc. some of them still remain as zhi xing peng you, etc.
i felt guilty to my sec sch mates, esp the ones that i were used to be very closed with.
it just feels awkard to ask them out, or even talk to them.
even if were to meet up, it doesn't felt the same again.
i felt weak, lost at times. no direction, no assurance.
that is why i looked forward to life after poly, to experience a new begining, make more new friends, acheive as much as i could, create as much good memories as i could.
sometimes it feels exciting to think about that, but sometimes otherwise.
i guess at least several years down the road, i would not be able to let go of the attachment i got with club, and the friends i made in club.

everyday when i woke up, i told myself this.
it is a new day, a new begining again.
the events yesterday were unchangeable, the future is unpredictable.
so today, you only face today.
no matter how significance u tot of today, it is still a day.
make it good, not regreting the decisions i made, no matter how small or how big the matter is.
just wanted to make the most of the days left in poly.
it can be as simple as slackin arnd with frens, in club or outside, going to lessons, cramping in the damn packed mrt, going to lunch with mates, dotaing, bballing, jogging, play guitar, striving for bball intercons, teaching the juniors wadever i could, etc....
bcos once we grad, it will never be the same again.
so just cherish every moment of poly life.
so that i could leave poly life contently, with no regrets.

quite much of stuffs happen at home recently..
well, it has been years.
maybe it has already reached the limit.

all that i can do is to lessen the burden on family.
working more often to gain extra cash.
try to keep sis company n happy.
keeping my temper cooly.
all i can hope for
is that nth will happen in d end.
that somehow someway, things will work out by itself.
she is right.. no 1 knows anything about me at home.
n we were just ourselves indivdually all these years..

it has been years..
it is so tiring, to be the middleman all tis while.
i must learn how to be contented and cherish the things i have.
i dk wad holds the future for us.
hope that everything would turn out fine in d end.
and that whatever that is suspected to be true would turn out to be untrue in d end..

choices & decisions

hey i'm back to revive my blog again. =)

having holidays now but the holidays r meant to study. =.=
found new work at wild oats, introduced by edmund and co.
working there with lionel and howai.
well better working envrionment i guess, much more relax than ritz carlton.
somemore got ren shi de ren work togt, the boss quite friendly also.
so still not bad ^^
but well work and exam gonna crash togt in the next few weeks =.=
dont know how i gonna handle, plus it is definitely going to eat into my studying time.
if can't find a replacement, gonna become ironman soon. T.T

but it is really no life nowadays..
bu shi work jiu shi dota or study. hai it's really a different lifestyle compared to last time.
didn't played bball for ages..
played ytd for a few games. the feeling is like WOW.
well, it really did make me feel more energetic and alive again after playing it. =)
i guess i truly enjoy bball. and it feels so relax playing it.

sometimes looking at the sch team, youth cup, bball yog.
it really makes me wonder.. wad if i chose bball over club, during both occasion, same time frame on year 1 n 2.. where would i be? how would my life be like. would i be enjoying myself everyday again on the court..? where i placed my priority, my heart n soul on basketball, like before?
sometimes, i thought to myself.. many ifs and possibilites..
i could be there and reached my goal of playing youth cup, sch team etc.
i could be striving for my passion now.. if i chose bball then.. even if it is on the 2nd occasion, it might be still possible..
one of the stuffs that really made me down in bball, is the time when we lost all the matches of the intercons last year, representing cadc..
I've put in so much effort into the team.. the rest of the team members also..
did training and made effort.. we were hot favouites then..
but ended up in stupid mistakes and losses. what a shame of me.. can't be able to control my team well and lead to victory as point guard.
some of the guys, esp like the year ones then, really look up to me.
what i felt then is disappointment to myself, n a greater disappointment to the others.
I thought giving up the choice of competitive bball then for club, i could divert my passion into cadc bball instead..
but even this i also failed badly..
when the chance arrive at my footstep to go for minyi training for the 2nd time..
i made the same choice in d end.. i thought i could get over it but the feeling still lingers today.

I used to ponder, whether did i really regret over my decisions, my choices over the past 2 n a half years, making the choices at the expense of many stuffs that were very very dear to me.
during tougher times.., i thought to myself stuffs like, y am i here? y am i putting in so much effort while the rest doesn't even give a damn? etc etc. i used to hate alot, bcoz of some stuffs that i can't change, some stuffs that i've completely don't have any power/ways to influence or solve stuffs.
but right now. i can clearly say that i wun't regret my choices and the decisions that i made over the past 2 years, joining club etc.
recollecting the events, the faces, laughters, jokes, sharing sessions, times togt. no matter which year. it then made me feel that my decision is worthwhile.

life is like that. you always have to make choices. no matter what, you have to give up something to obtain the other thing. it is a matter of give n take, comes and goes, with every possible choices. and perhaps, we would nvr be satisfied, bcoz we yearned for the other path that we didn't make our choice on. or mayb for some ppl, bcoz of tough times, regreted and wanted to go the other path.
Though some things, doesn't ended up perfectly the way we want it to be, but still it is the imperfection which made it perfect right?
Though some things, doesn't last long or forever, what matters is cheng jing yong you.
so right now, i've gained another major step in my growth in my poly years.
I was not in a dilema like before already, over choices that i had to make, n questioning myself over the decisions i made. bcoz i've clearly seen n knew what i wanted the past 2 n a half years.. and of course, i've already made another huge step, in letting go of stuffs already.
right now at least i know, that i've began to move on in life.
no matter how many mistakes i made, over my choices and stuffs in d future, i would not regret like before, bcoz i'm the one who made the decisions, n i made them for a reason.
i can only look forward, not backward.
only then i can learn not to regret in life.

all these r the progress tt i've made.
over stuffs that troubled me for very long.
and of course, some people used to say.
you become stronger after rising from every fall.
and right now, i am as strong as ever. =)

A new me. =)

its like whoaaaaa, it has been ages since i blogged.
time flew n it is already july.
n of course, had already turned 19.
i am thankful for those that remembered my bday
and i really appreciate the wishes n celebration i was given. =)

1 year has past since my last bday, n perhaps this is just another new chapter of life.
it has been pretty good so far.. i guess haha. given that
i've already started driving lessons.
apart from getting real sick over the last few days. =.= LOL
and most imptly, i've already getting started in moving on, finally letting go some of the stuffs that i've kept so long in my heart already. everything seems better
and start to bi jiao kan de kai le.
hope this goes on n i would be able to move on in life.

n of course, every bday boy gets to make his own wish/resolution right?
hah i've already made mine n i hope things really goes that way.
n of cuz i will work towards it.
ok til here. blog next time.

after so much.. sometimes i wonder..
am i on the right path?
am i doing the correct thing?
am i believing in the correct thing?

if all above is yes.
then it goes.
is everything worthwhile?

i can only feel helpless time and again.
look and cant do much.
did beyond wad i can do already.
yet the result is the same.
yet the cycle continues...
ending up in tears each time..
who can understand?

i wish for a god.
wish for some1 to tel me wad is the correct thing to do.
wad i could do to change the present.
i wish for a guaranteed way to solve this.
if god is able to guide me and ensure a guaranteed way.
even if it involves any sacrifices.
i would still do it...
because only this way,
there can be a change..
but that is only if.
if only.
some1 please guide me out of this..

Memory may be a way to hold onto the things you love, the things you are, and the things you never want to lose.
but no matter how nice it is, it is all that it is.
You can't live in your memories forever.
because if you do, you would not be able to move on, when life goes on.
if so,
you would not be able to do the stuffs that you could do.
your heart could not be able to accept new stuffs, friends and phases of lifes.
you would just find yourself rooted on the spot, not going anywhere, not knowing your direction.

beautiful memories indeed.
but time changes everything, which is inevitable.
all we can only do is to adapt and move on.

life's like a drama.
and you are just the main character.
you interact with people that comes in and out all the time.
And experienced joy, sadness, anger, disappointment with different people in different episodes with different people.
but actually all along, the focus is just you, just on you.
you still have to face your journey on your own, deep down.
whatever decisions you made, whatever actions you done, craves out your path.
lastly only to find that
whatever that belongs to you come to you in d end.
but whatever that does not will all disappeared.

if that is so then why keep hanging on to stuffs that doesn belong to me all along?
i just have to learn how to let go, and move on in life.
of course it is easier said than done.
i've not been able to do that, deep down.
im still struck in my memories.
not be able to face life truthfully,
not being able to accept new people, new stuffs, changes and new phases of life.
i'm still the emotional old me, trying to hang on to everything.
i've found that i just can't let go, not yet.
but i know i will keep trying to.
because no matter how much i missed those memories,
i still have to let go.
i can't be struck forever in my memories.
i'm often worried not being able to hold onto stuffs.
and i go for any extent to attempt to hold on to them.
yea i'm this paranoid.
but after thinking so long.
well, everything is part of life.
people comes and goes.
whatever stuffs that belongs to you, would come back to you in a big cycle.
whatever that does not belong to you, no matter how dearly you held onto them, it will still have to go anyway.
you only have to learn how to accept and cherish whatever stuffs that came into your life.
after all this is still your life. you determine how your life wanna be, and it is still your own journey to walk on, deep down isn it?

well i believed strongly that there's such thing as fate.
we might not know why such stuffs happen, etc etc.
but somehow someday everything will all make perfect sense.
so for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, laugh as heartily as you can and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

the task that i'm gonna give myself from now.
is to try to let go, and really move on in life.
so that i could write new chapters in my life, and excel at whatever stuffs that i ought to excel.
wish me luck. =)

but i dont want you to be just another passing cloud.
but i knw it is near impossible. perhaps bah lol.

here's a song that really described and that could motivate my life now.

Breathe Again by Juwita Suwito.

Have you ever wondered how it feels when it's all over
Wondered how it feels when you just have to start anew
Never knowing where you're going
When you face a brand new day
It used to be that way
Now i just close my eyes and say

Chorus:
I just want to breathe again
Learning to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little, cry a little
Live a little more
I just want to face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if i hope a little, try a little more
i'll breathe again

Starting out again is never easy
Disappointments come and go but life still move on
With a bit of luck, it's a brand new start
That might just work my way
No need to walk away
Don't want to live on life replay

Repeat:
Things will work out fine
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn

heyy heyy im back again to blog. =D
been so long i blog man wtf lol.
well this blog is neither really about daily lives, nor the latest trends or etc.
i guess tis is somewhere i can express and pen dwn my feelings.
of course
is only when i have the feel to. LOL =X

hmm it has been 3 weeks into year 3..
its like whoa~ so fast year 3 already.
and before u knew it, we would all be grads already..
time flies real fast yea? lol.
many stuffs, esp after their FO.. things are gonna be different already.
this happens every year, cos it is inevitable.
whether is for the good or for the bad or wadsoever.
times passed, events passed. people change, situations changes.
really have to adapt to changes in life..
1 of the examples are..
i cant be as close with Apex already..
cant be like always hang out with them and stuffs like tat..
its not because dont like or wad, but is just because.
i had no other reasons to hang out with them already..
still remember during the times when IC camp and FO camp periods, when ur are all freshies and knew nth,
where i can teach the guitarists from basics, and mass dance.. even during school times..
where i can come dwn everyday for ur de camp prep..
where if possible guide ur and teach ur wadever i can..
other than tat help ur or pei ur song prac whenever i can..
but then both camps has already been over.. your has already become year 2.. become seniors already le.. your has grown up le..
everything is different already..
there are no more reasons in me coming down find ur liao..
besides it is wierd and it isn good to keep chup into other year stuffs too,
after all i dont belong to ur also.
unless of course if i was ever called by ur, i would surely go find/help ur wan. =)

all i can say and hope for Apex is..
if there were to be any conflicts/problems within urselves, plz do try/continue to solve it.
plz be truthful to each other, even though truth may hurts sometimes but is always better than keeping it to urself and wearing a mask to face each other everyday..
true friends wunt be called true friends if they didn't had conflicts before.
bcos only thru such setbacks and getting up after those setbacks, then would it truly test the strength of ur friendships and increase the bond among urselves.
so don't worry if there were any conflicts, becos if there were, it only means god's test of you guys de relationship..
hope my history wunt happen again.. esp on your..
hope that none of ur will had the regret that i had too..
really hope everything goes fine for your..
2nd point is..
seriously hope history wunt repeat again.. dont pick up the bad stuffs from us..
don't learn to be yearists and kept among urselves, even among ur own cliques. we are a club, we work togt, play togt and do everything togt. there's really absolutely no point in dividing this and that.. becos we are 1 club.
i dont know if im wrong in saying this so correct me if u think im wrong..
3rd point is..
hope that whatever we might say wrong or do wrong in d past, what i can say is tat its already over and
no matter what we are still humans and we do make mistakes.. be it we realise it anot, or does the mistakes even present anot in d 1st place..
plz do not keep grudges too.. i not saying tat ur got keep.. if ur got keep grudges in ur hearts.. plz try not to keep it there too long, if no, then good..
we are still a club and after all, all of us, including u guys have the same aim, which is the interest of the camp and the club..
isn it?
really look forward to all 3 years working togt again..
you guys has became seniors already.. hope no matter wad u guys enjoyed ur past 1 yr plus stay in club. and really continue ur journey in the club.. there are much more stuffs for all of us to go thru and enjoy too.
now is the time when you all should really cherish every time and moment spent togt..
dao le year 3 or grad, jiu will knw wad is regret liao when never cherish hao hao the times u guys spent togt, or nvr do some stuffs tat u knw u ought to do but nvr do in d end..
after all who knows where would we be when all of us graduates..
isn it? =/

sometimes i know it is very difficult to differentiate what is right and what is wrong.
i know i understand.
bcos i believe many seniors, including myself face this problem til today too.
the advise tt i can give, including to myself.
is wadever stuffs we do, nvr dui bu qi zi ji de liang xing and zhe ren.
once we accomplished tat, it is good enough le.
if in d future if u guys faced any problems, or just simply need some1 to talk to.
and i mean u guys, ANYONE. be it u knw me very well or not..
im always free for ur to approach to. i can always provide ur my listening ear.
and i will always be there for your.
being there doesn mean only physically being there.. emotionally too..
even if years has passed and life has gone further and further..
if anything, just a call to me, if i can i will be there..
our friendship doesn stop at senior & junior, and it doesn stop here too.. =)
these are all the stuffs i can say, and they have been kept in my heart for too long..

this is not a post to gain attention.. not a post to try to gain respect, attention or wadsoever..
these are words meant for ur and they are my heartfelt words..
im not a person who is good in expressing myself..
so i guess this is the best way i can express myself..
of course some of my stuffs, my idealogy from this post
it may be wrong, it may be incorrect.
perhaps stuffs shouldn be the way i said..
but im sick and tired of trying to say things tat confirm 100% will be pleasant and correct..
of course you can correct me.. if im wrong in anyway or another..
all the stuffs r meant for Apex. hope ur get wad i meant.
thats all i have to say.. =)

let me just learn to forget past unhappiness..
let me just learn how to forgive n forget..
let me just learn to trust other ppl, esp them..
let me just learn to let go of myself n open up my heart..
let me just learn to cherish and enjoy every single moment with everyone in the club..
becos 1 resolution i made for myself for poly life year 3.. is never let myself regret again.. =)

when they its the end of something, it is actually start of something new.
lets just try learn to embrace the present.

it has been so long i blogged.
all this while was lazy to blog and in fact, has doubts of sharing my thoughts publicily.
but then now suddenly got feel blog, so here i am lor haha.

it has been 1 year since FO..
seeing what and how the juniors did their camp prep reminded me alot of memories.
been a senior is not easy..
feed too much become spoon feed, dont care too much become neglect.
sometimes when you speak, have to think so much just to determine whether is ur statement fair and useful, need care about their feelings, right or wrong. before you can speak.
i dont know what i have been doing is right anot actually..
but in d end, i guess there are no definite right and wrong in such things.
and.. seeing some things happen or give problem, which is outside of your area, you cant really do or say anything to help. bcos u got no right to, and has less knowledge.
but seeing things happen yet i cant do something impactful to help really feels like shit.
and seeing that club has become a year by year system sucks too.
many things in my head but i cant just say them out as easily, and with the consequences to bear if really say out. i dont even know i am right anot in d first place..
its like the same feeling i felt, being helpless.

After so long, im still unable to come out of my shell.
i still questioned the club system til this day..
and i found that i am only further and further away from you all.
the feeling sucks becos you felt alone, facing the world alone.
sometimes you cant stick to what you think is right and yet keep close relationships at the same time too.

felt so alone.

it is the first day of the new year.
although yesterday night didn see countdown performances, fireworks or anything special.
but still it is a fabulous night, for the fact that been spending it with both sides of friends.
2009 was indeed a year to remember of . learned n gone thru much things, whether good or bad, high or low.
realised alot of things in life. which let me cherish even more the people around me.
it has really been a memorable year.
and now i will only look forward to the present, to the future, 2010.
hope that i would take whatever good things (and i mean anything) that i've gained and experienced along with me and forget/solve the bad things and low times in 2009, so moving on as a better person and better outlook in life. ^^
if there were ever to be a life quote that im ever going to be follow, it is:
bring it on, whatever life has to offer. Have courage to face just anything.
And enjoy life every moment possible.
i feel strong for these meanings and i will do it. but i dont know how long can this feeling last.
but i know now, my attitude is this. And hope that this mentality can really last. ^^
new year comes with new resolutions for the new year.
i've got mine. i hope and know that im gonna fufill them. at least i will work towards to them. ^^

haha perhaps i sound too profound eh haha. but yea these are the things i reflected and realised for the last few days of 2009. add more oil for me yea. (: