It's 6:32am in the morning, and I can't get to sleep yet.
Actually is don't feel like sleeping lol.
As I'm typing this post right now, kenneth that gay is right behind me sleeping on my damn bed.
Lol really pig. Seriously I have to tell my mum that I'm not gay. -.-
As we were playing our own games just now, I happen to thought of this and I told him everything about it.
I know what and how I'm supposed to react.
I know I should just suck it up and move on.
But like how I deal with such matters in the past, I always let myself emo for quite awhile, maybe for the night.
Before next day start when I don't really think of it anymore.
Not really entirely though, but enough to keep myself away from thinking about this all the time and letting this bullshit affect my life.
Because it is way too stupid to let it affect my life.
It can't be a coincidence, isn't it?
Is god trying to tell me something?
Every time, about the same sort of stuffs happen.
Got chance, high chance, get close, get to know, deciding whether should or not, decided already
Suddenly always will bomb this kinda thing out last minute when I'm really into it.
Is either suddenly got this friend who has the same target as me, or some1 just suddenly snatch away then.
I'm always always, 1 step slower.
Always always, caught in situation of awkwardness between friends who targeted the same girl.
Where u really don't know what to do.
Follow your feelings and take it slow? Or just go for it.
But if go for it, afraid that will hurt friendship, then don't dare to do anything.
It is so much of a joke that I could feel guilty spending time alone with that girl, cuz of my fren, when actually they r togt, he don't feel guilty at all.
Is the nice, gentleman, spontaneous guy too difficult too "nice" to be?
I don't understand why I'm always caught in situations like this, and ended up being the sad party, having to tell the other guy instead not to be guilty and let's continue to be good friends.
I really don't understand this logic. Seriously speaking.
In the years later, I really don't want to attend all my friends wedding, with all their wives being girls that I like before and for some reason 1 way or the other, from got chance togt become gf of good friend, n in d end wives of my friends.
Seriously this sucks, really sucks.
It sucks when you have to act as if it doesn't really bother you to see them holding hands side by side together when you go out as a group outing when you actually do.
It sucks full time.
I'm sick of hearing "I am a nice guy" or hmm "Sorry for this" this kinda things here.
If the other party is some1 I don't really don't know, like that time Ming Yong, at least I can complain to friends.
At least I can don't feel guilty when I'm with the girl alone, and don't need to scare of hurting friendship and all the other craps.
And don't need to feel upset when I see the girl with the bf.
Seriously I don't understand..
I know I'm just complaining to myself right now, just like a wimp.
But I just only wanna rant it all out.
So that I will feel better and I can forget about it.

15 May 2011.

Wow 2 n a half months have past since I last officially went to school as a student.
For whole of March, have been working non-stop.
Flex, IT show, Wild Oats.
Think my total pay got reach around $1300.
End of March comes the crazy month, April.
Every week of April except for last week, also got 1 major event.
1st Week (Continued from March): FO Camp
2nd Week: Fusion Camp
3rd Week: Annual Recept Chalet
4th Week: Bangkok Trip
Other then these activities, still got work, if not poker.
Is like Wow.
It has been a crazy month for me.
But sadly, all my earnings from March has contributed to these activities in April.
So now got no much saving.. ):

After all these weeks, the following weeks have been crazy also.
Chiong work at Wild Oats for 2 weeks, like almost everyday.
Only until this week onwards, is more free for me, with 2 shifts a week.
New Oats is opening in June.
Hope I could get more working slots there.
And also, hope that it would be fun and be a good experience too.
2 more jobs are available in June too.
IT fair and flex again.
Hope to aim for $1300 again.. haha

After June, I would be left with 4 months plus to NS..
In fact is 5 months plus from now..
Really don't know if it is a waste of time or not.
So long then go in,
by then already most of the guys go in. left me alone.
Hope I won't get bored to death for all these months.

Well, at least I have a driving license to complete before NS..
At least there is another added thing to do. =/
Want to faster chiong for the license, so have 1 less thing to think about.
Other than that, really have to slowly build up my physical,
get myself stronger.. to prepare for army.

There is a lot of things going through my head now..
Planning what other things to do for the next hours, next few days, next few months.
I don't want my holidays to spent purely on working.
I just want to learn how to take my life independently and responsibly.
Do, learn and explore different things.
Spend more time with friends and family.
Getting used to be independent.

Seriously I think I am very messed up.
Over this matter.
I don't know why I always get into situations like these..
I should really control myself and forget about this..
Yea, I admit, this bother me badly.
I just hope to get over this and erase all the awkwardness..
I should perk up and concentrate on my life.. instead of thinking about all these nonsense..

Sometimes, I just wished for some1 to talk to, some1 who can understand and accept..
Some1 to remind me about what's right and wrong.
Right now, I just need some directions.