I nvr meant for this to develop in any other way in the first place.
And I knew the consequences if I got close with you again.
And I already told myself that I just wanna be the person to be there for you only, that's all.
Actually I should be glad that u still take me for a very good fren after all.
Yup and of coz, I should be happy for you.
Hope you can find a better bf than mingyong, eh?
Of coz I would be lieing if I said I'm not affected.
But oh well, if it ain't meant to be, it won't be.
Should be happy for you, instead of self pity and jealous about it.
Yup I would get over it and move on after some time,
but of coz cont to be there for you as a fren,
and yea happy for you too. =]

Never wallow in misery.
These are the things that I am going to do before NS/Police.

1.) Set my body clock straight. Try to wake up earlier and sleep earlier.
2.) Pack my room. Set things straight and neat. Just like starting things over again.
3.) At least exercise for every 2 days. Keep a healthy lifestyle, build up body and clear my mind.
4.) Take care of my personal hygiene. Better cure for my skin. More comfortable too.
5.) Stop texting xy. She doesn't really care as much as you do. So stop wasting your time.
6.) Find something useful to do. Keep your brain working at all times. So that your brain won't slow down and you will do more meaningful things in your life.
7.) Last but not least, be contented and appreciative with what I have at any moment.
This is the most important thing.

Alright I'm not going to be bothered by anything deemed unnecessary.
No point making my life miserable for nothing.
Should start to recognise what and who is more important to cherish and go after in life.
And learn how to be strong and independent.
Be emotionally and mentally ready for NS/Police.

Life has been great these few months.
Alot of things happened and changed.
Knew quite a few good friends from work and we cliqued quite well.
Have going out with them and some usual ppl like kenneth zwei lionel.
Had fun working with them and late night activites.
Have been going out with sec sch frens too. Been so long since I've been going out with them for quite awhile.
Had our fun and our sharing sessions. It's great to have frens like them. Especially sec sch frens that been so long nvr contact. It's great to know that they are still by my side after all this while.

Anyway, I've made 1 of the most important decision in my life.
Which is to sign on to be a police officer.
I've been feeling lost all this while. Dk what to do in the future and have no purpose in life.
I don't wanna be struck trying to earn more money all the time in my life.
I don't wanna just trying to make ends meet in every month of my life.
I don't wanna work or do anything just because I have to.
I seek for a life of purpose and fufillment.
I wished to be a person that others can respect and look up to.
Instead of being just another guy who is always self-consicous and always seek for things that benefits himself.
I prefer ppl around me to respect n love me for who i am, then having ppl around me just because of certain materialistics or ambitious reasons.
On top of my excellence and interest in inferences, psychology, and analysing activites.
And my sporty and outgoing personality.
I've decided to become a police officer.
10 years down the road when my peers are working their ass off everyday to earn more money, finishing every task that they are given just because of money,
the things that i do everyday carries a noble reason behind it.
Is like comparing an insurance agent with police officer.
For every appointment that an insurance agent clinched everyday, it is definitely less satisfactory than every criminal case that a police officer solved, or every life that a police officer saved everyday.
This reason alone could push me through my career in the future.
Hope that I could really get accepted into the police force and work hard and hope that I would be offered a degree sponsorship position in the next few years.
So that I would be set for life.
I was so glad to finally find some directions in life.
Hope that no matter what happens in the future, I would be strong enough to weather the bad times, humble enough to enjoy the good times, improving myself all the time and gain satisfaction from this job.
Wished me good luck! ;D

Been going out with xy this few months too. Never expected that I would ever go out or really get close to her again after MY incident.
She was 1 of those gals that i could really relate to, n it was great having her back by my side as a friend for now again.
Remembered those MY times when I wanted to talk to her when she was online.
But is either I don't have the guts to talk to her,
or I just don't know what to say to her.
Wanted to care and concern her, but also dk where to start. Start le also like no help.
Sometimes even awkward too.
Been so long since had a really nice conversation with her.
And the times that I can't stop thinking about her, but force myself not to think, as I thought it was not worth it, and that I shouldn't carry on like this.
Tried to go out with or jio different girls, but the feelings ain't the same.
It never work out.
Sometimes even after 1 year of her relationship with MY, I thought I've forgotten about her comepletely then.
But whenever I see her, i still tend to feel soft about her.
But never really had a good conversation between us.

Seriously never thought that a simple bday card would cut the communication barrier between us all along.
I really appreciate the effort.
It shows that you valued me at least as a friend after all.
The incident has been a regret in my life, but at least the scar is healed up now.
Right now. I just wanna be the person there for her. Thats all, at least for now.
Just want to make her happy, just want to be there.

But there is 1 thing that is troubling me right now.
I dk what I should do.
At the start, I knew that the feeling would come back again.
But I just try not to.
But I guess the feeling is still there after all these years after all.
I'm nt the kind of typical guys, who has their own personal agendas when getting close to her.
Those typical guys who just wanted to get her.
I just wanna be the person to be there in her life.
I never intend to go any further, for now.
Just wanna enjoy her companion, and have a fun time togt.

However, the sudden appearance of this guy makes me think about the past mistakes I made in my life.
I can't let same stuffs of things happen to me in relationships over and over again.
I can't regret not telling some1 I had feelings for about my feelings.
I can't just let things happen, and eventually blame myself for this and that.

For now, I just wanna let her know of my feelings for her, so that I would not repeat my past mistakes again.
And not to regret in the future.
At least if she really were to be togt with some1 else in d future, I won't regret not telling her bout my feelings beforehand, and start thinking bout different possiblities and start regretting,
just like before.
At least I knew by then clearly about her decision.
But no matter what, I just wanna be the person to be there for her.
However, I really don't wish to give her any pressure on that.
I don't meant anything more than that.
There are too many guys who confessed to her.
Which gave her too much pressure.
I don't intend to go any further than a friend for now.
I don't wanna spoil my relationship with her.
I just wanna let her know, that's all.
After that, continue being her companion.
After all, also going in police soon.
In short, really just wanna to be there for her in her life.
Other stuffs jiu really see fate liao le.
That's all.
The problem now.
Is how to pluck out my courage to tell her. =/
But no matter what, 1 day I must really show some balls and tell her about this.
So that I won't regret anymore.

I thought I meant nothing to you.
I thought I'm just 1 of the many guys that chased after you and who
doesn't really matter anything to you.
I felt sad, disappointed about you having 2 bfs togt in such a short time.
But all these things are in the past
Because today I knew that I'm just not a normal Tom Dick Harry.
And I knew that I'm some1 you truly appreciate.
I really felt touched by these, really so.
It kind of remove the scar I had for the past few years,
and made me believe there are still positive things to look forward to in relationship.
And of course, regain back my total trust in you as a friend.
My heart is touched and I really appreciate this.
From today onwards, though I've been positive all along, but this makes me more positive than ever already.
I guess from today onwards,
I will be re-reading your card every single night before I sleep for quite awhile.
Thanks alot, from the bottom of my heart.. =)

It's 6:32am in the morning, and I can't get to sleep yet.
Actually is don't feel like sleeping lol.
As I'm typing this post right now, kenneth that gay is right behind me sleeping on my damn bed.
Lol really pig. Seriously I have to tell my mum that I'm not gay. -.-
As we were playing our own games just now, I happen to thought of this and I told him everything about it.
I know what and how I'm supposed to react.
I know I should just suck it up and move on.
But like how I deal with such matters in the past, I always let myself emo for quite awhile, maybe for the night.
Before next day start when I don't really think of it anymore.
Not really entirely though, but enough to keep myself away from thinking about this all the time and letting this bullshit affect my life.
Because it is way too stupid to let it affect my life.
It can't be a coincidence, isn't it?
Is god trying to tell me something?
Every time, about the same sort of stuffs happen.
Got chance, high chance, get close, get to know, deciding whether should or not, decided already
Suddenly always will bomb this kinda thing out last minute when I'm really into it.
Is either suddenly got this friend who has the same target as me, or some1 just suddenly snatch away then.
I'm always always, 1 step slower.
Always always, caught in situation of awkwardness between friends who targeted the same girl.
Where u really don't know what to do.
Follow your feelings and take it slow? Or just go for it.
But if go for it, afraid that will hurt friendship, then don't dare to do anything.
It is so much of a joke that I could feel guilty spending time alone with that girl, cuz of my fren, when actually they r togt, he don't feel guilty at all.
Is the nice, gentleman, spontaneous guy too difficult too "nice" to be?
I don't understand why I'm always caught in situations like this, and ended up being the sad party, having to tell the other guy instead not to be guilty and let's continue to be good friends.
I really don't understand this logic. Seriously speaking.
In the years later, I really don't want to attend all my friends wedding, with all their wives being girls that I like before and for some reason 1 way or the other, from got chance togt become gf of good friend, n in d end wives of my friends.
Seriously this sucks, really sucks.
It sucks when you have to act as if it doesn't really bother you to see them holding hands side by side together when you go out as a group outing when you actually do.
It sucks full time.
I'm sick of hearing "I am a nice guy" or hmm "Sorry for this" this kinda things here.
If the other party is some1 I don't really don't know, like that time Ming Yong, at least I can complain to friends.
At least I can don't feel guilty when I'm with the girl alone, and don't need to scare of hurting friendship and all the other craps.
And don't need to feel upset when I see the girl with the bf.
Seriously I don't understand..
I know I'm just complaining to myself right now, just like a wimp.
But I just only wanna rant it all out.
So that I will feel better and I can forget about it.

15 May 2011.

Wow 2 n a half months have past since I last officially went to school as a student.
For whole of March, have been working non-stop.
Flex, IT show, Wild Oats.
Think my total pay got reach around $1300.
End of March comes the crazy month, April.
Every week of April except for last week, also got 1 major event.
1st Week (Continued from March): FO Camp
2nd Week: Fusion Camp
3rd Week: Annual Recept Chalet
4th Week: Bangkok Trip
Other then these activities, still got work, if not poker.
Is like Wow.
It has been a crazy month for me.
But sadly, all my earnings from March has contributed to these activities in April.
So now got no much saving.. ):

After all these weeks, the following weeks have been crazy also.
Chiong work at Wild Oats for 2 weeks, like almost everyday.
Only until this week onwards, is more free for me, with 2 shifts a week.
New Oats is opening in June.
Hope I could get more working slots there.
And also, hope that it would be fun and be a good experience too.
2 more jobs are available in June too.
IT fair and flex again.
Hope to aim for $1300 again.. haha

After June, I would be left with 4 months plus to NS..
In fact is 5 months plus from now..
Really don't know if it is a waste of time or not.
So long then go in,
by then already most of the guys go in. left me alone.
Hope I won't get bored to death for all these months.

Well, at least I have a driving license to complete before NS..
At least there is another added thing to do. =/
Want to faster chiong for the license, so have 1 less thing to think about.
Other than that, really have to slowly build up my physical,
get myself stronger.. to prepare for army.

There is a lot of things going through my head now..
Planning what other things to do for the next hours, next few days, next few months.
I don't want my holidays to spent purely on working.
I just want to learn how to take my life independently and responsibly.
Do, learn and explore different things.
Spend more time with friends and family.
Getting used to be independent.

Seriously I think I am very messed up.
Over this matter.
I don't know why I always get into situations like these..
I should really control myself and forget about this..
Yea, I admit, this bother me badly.
I just hope to get over this and erase all the awkwardness..
I should perk up and concentrate on my life.. instead of thinking about all these nonsense..

Sometimes, I just wished for some1 to talk to, some1 who can understand and accept..
Some1 to remind me about what's right and wrong.
Right now, I just need some directions.

Chiong work a few days after last paper.
for like 10 consecutive days?
lol right now the feeling then sets in.
i've already graduate, finally after 3 years.
time flies so fast that another phase of my life has went by already.
somehow, it makes me feel somewhat more mature, more sensible.
actually, felt older already.
after the things that went thru, i guess it makes me a better person.
right now, i can only embrace everyday of my life right now, before the end of FO
Which marks the end of our stint in CADC.
Feelings unexplainable, can't be described in words.