10 Oct 13, 1:50am
Okay, I am going to start making this a habit, of writing
down my thoughts and feelings regularly, and eventually keep all these as
entries for a little diary. This is especially so, when I encounter happenings
that makes me happy, improve myself as a person and even unpleasant things,
which eventually makes me learn something new, and made me a better person
after that. I always wanted to write, but I have a bad habit of procrastinating
about this, if not lazy to start on this new habit. I think it would be good if
I could make writing as a habit. Not only improving my essay writing skills, I
also can clarify my thoughts by putting them into words. By keeping a copy of
what I written, I can measure the amount of growth every day and make every single
moment counts. Here goes:
Seriously, one of my fi has been making me feel increasingly
unpleasant for the past few weeks, since we arrive in Newcastle. There are too
many things to record down and it’s really pointless to put my energy in reminiscing
these unpleasant thoughts which only make me feel bad about myself. I know my
character flaws, personal weaknesses. However, I’m sufficiently self-conscious to
classify what’s right and wrong. All the endless arguments, childish ultimatum,
over sensitivity and personal egos are driving me nuts. Says so much, but doesn’t
want to sit down and trash things out with me. I doubt he has ever listened and
take in things from me. As I reflected and look upon this issue now, I realized
that it is really pointless to harbour unpleasant thoughts of how unhappy I
felt about him, guilt for not being his ideal buddy as he thought so initially
and how I am going to make things right. It drives my energy to the wrong
direction and spoils my mood for the day, which would be such a waste if I
continue to do so. Hence, I conclude that if he doesn’t approach and ask for a
trash out session and listen to what we got to say, there’s no point in harping
on this issue. So be it, if our paths splits, find our separate group of
friends, apartment, life, etc. It might not be the way we planned it out to be
before we arrive in UK, but definitely I will ensure I will make my own
decisions and decide how I want my life to be.
Looking back the past twenty two years of my life, I realized
I have gone through pretty much stuffs myself and learnt many life lessons from
each corner of my life’s timeline. I understood the importance of making the
right choices and keeping the discipline of keeping promises to myself. I
remembered I was so affected by how others perceive about me and how I made
many choices based on the wrong reasons such as peer pressure. I remembered not
feeling good but still played along with the flow just because I wanted to be a
nice guy. It’s not that nice guys don’t last, but if I do not choose and fight
for the life that I want to create, it will never happen and my life will
always be subjected to external factors that are never the right reasons. I
couldn’t improve and be the best out of myself if I don’t start taking full
responsibility of my happiness and my life.
I need positive growth and change. I realized that if I
continue to allow unpleasant thoughts, and the wrong company of friends, I will
never be able to take in positive, substantial thoughts, and great soul mates that
will bring the best out of me. A cup will always be full and unable to take in
new and positive things if I don’t pour out the bad ones. There is many more
elaboration in regards to this topic and I’m going to skip that for now,
because I will never stop for the next three hours once I start and I need my
sleep for a great day later. Hence, with regards to the issue with my friend, I have to learn to accept that there are a huge variety of different
types of people in the world and I have to respect every one for their uniqueness.
I can’t blame him for complaining everyday about his hostel, being egoistic,
etc. Whether or not he changes to be a better person and work on his flaws is
entirely up to him. It is his own responsibility and rights to work out on how
he wants to lead his life and how much he wants to improve himself as an
individual. I can try to help as a friend and give feedbacks. As a friend, the
only mature, right thing I can do is to respect him as an individual and accept
him for who he is. I won’t push my ideals to him and will always stay out of
his decision makings. I need to stop all the negative thoughts I have for him
now, and should start to forgive the things that he does which makes me pissed.
Clear the bad feelings I have deep down, respect him and move on. Henceforth,
more positive feelings and thoughts would then have room to come in and I will
feel so much better.
Letting bygones be bygones, forgiving his unpleasant actions
internally and respect him as a friend, it makes me feel that I can better
manage situations like these now and enhance positive thinking in me. It is
part of the process of self-discovery and my growth in being a better person. Alright,
I have to sleep now. I got to sleep and wake up later to the awesome start of a
new day. Till then!
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